“Unpopular Opinion”
As an atheist, I have come to an opinion that I think is not well-received in our community. I’ve given it a lot of thought, but I have to be honest about my feelings on this: He’s Just Too Old. I know, I know, he has a lot of experience and he’s done a lot of great things, but it’s time to go. There are plenty of people who are ready (and able!) to take his place. It frustrates me that we are stuck in this “Either-Or” situation and that there aren’t any 3rd place alternatives. Why are we stuck constantly choosing between one or the other? My atheist peers have all tried to convince me that he is the best choice and that to not choose him again would be folly.
Of course, I’m talking about Satan.
Let’s face it – his best work is behind him. He gave us Elvis, The Stones, The Doors, Little Richard, and the Dark Master himself: Ozzy Osbourne. When was the last time Satan bothered to put a kick-ass backward message on a record? When was the last time Satan tempted us to “Rock and roll all night and party every day”?? He’s definitely lost his touch. Look no farther than Taylor Swift. Really? Taylor Swift? A cute little popprincess…? That’s the best you got, dude? Goddamn, (pardon the pun) is Satan evenfit to lead us into Hell anymore? Marijuana is now legal, drag queens can shit in any bathroom they please, online porn is as easy to access as any TV channel, and kids are free to believe they are cats and dogs and shit in the classroom litter box. Is Satan even relevant anymore?
As I mentioned there are plenty of better candidates who are much younger, and frankly, much more evil than Satan. Marjorie Taylor-Greene, Matt Goetz, Ted Cruz, Ben Shapiro, Stephen Miller, and of course, the modern-day Ash-Shatan, the Old Serpent, The Great Deceiver, The Walking Dude, The Adversary…Donald Trump. Look, I’m not going to get all political here, but Trump is kicking Satan’s ass. Has Satan had five children by three different women, cheated ALL of his contractors, called for the death penalty for five innocent black teens in New York, fucked a porn star, and created a fake university? Nope. Trump is making Satan look like a fool. Members of Congress routinely side with neo-Nazis and White Supremacists. They support putting the unhoused into encampments. People coming to our country seeking a better life are caged and their families ripped apart. In the race to see who can be the most evil, Satan is falling off the pace.
Hey, Satan, man, I gotta be real. It’s time to step down. Your best days are behind you and you are no longer effective. Put on a Tay-Tay record, kick back with some legal weed, log on to PornHub and check out some hot girl-on-stepmom action, and just relax. Enjoy retirement. You’ve done good (bad) work. But give it up, you’re too old to get my vote