Why am I here ?

Why am I here? I’ve been pondering Why questions a lot lately. Although I often struggle to find motivation to write, there’s some solace in putting my thoughts out there, even if just for myself. When I timestamp my thoughts in writing, I commit to my personal goal of introspection, reasoning, and self-improvement. Today’s Why question is: Why did I become a Supernatural Atheist? Explaining my answer might take a while, so let’s start with the first step.

In reality, my journey to this way of thinking spans decades. I’ve tried to pinpoint an exact moment when I had my “Aha!” realization and declared, “Well, I’ll be damned, I’m an Atheist.” Like many, Atheism evolved in me over years of personal trials and reflections.

Nearly 28 years ago, both professionally and personally, I was at an all-time high. I’d graduated from college late, nearly 30, while juggling night school and raising a family. I’d landed my dream job, was earning more money than I ever imagined, and had a happy, healthy family, a loving wife, and a lake home in southern Indiana. My wife and I shared a faith in God that we passed down to our children. The old me would call myself “Blessed.” I was even the designated prayer at family gatherings, embodying the Catholic Father figure.

When my wife expressed a desire to help her sister conceive, I was taken aback. What did this mean, and why did she want to do this? My wife, inherently kind and decent, aimed to please. Her sister had survived Hodgkin’s Lymphoma in high school, leaving her unable to conceive naturally. Looking back, this was one of the first times I began questioning my faith. How could my deeply religious wife defy our faith to assist her sister when the Catholic Church clearly didn’t support it? Months passed, my wife underwent fertility treatments, and I found myself grappling with the idea of her eggs being used to conceive a child with my brother-in-law—a morally complicated situation. I struggled to pray to a God who seemingly disapproved of our actions. Instead, I resigned to God’s will. After multiple failed attempts at embryo implantation, I interpreted it as a sign that God didn’t want my sister in law to have a child, maybe even causing her cancer in the first place. My confirmation bias was reinforced. I confided in my Christ Renews His Parish group, seeking answers in the Bible, only to find further confirmation bias. This incident marked the beginning of my religious doubts.

Shortly after our attempts to help her sister, my wife and I decided to have a fourth child. Fueled by fertility drugs, we were overjoyed to learn we were expecting twins. It was both thrilling and terrifying—our family of five was about to become seven. However, during a routine ultrasound at 12 weeks, we received devastating news: one of the twins had died in the womb. We were blindsided, consumed by grief and guilt. Were we being punished by God for trying to help my wife’s sister? Were we foolish to have pursued this path?

Fast forward and at 25 weeks, our remaining baby seemed healthy, but further scans revealed concerning discrepancies in bone development. Our pregnancy was deemed high-risk, and we faced more frequent ultrasounds and medical tests. An amniocentesis yielded inconclusive results, adding to our anxiety. Our journey became a rollercoaster of emotions, clinging to the belief that God had a plan.

During another ultrasound, we were informed that our baby, whom we believed to be a girl, might actually be a boy with a severe condition called Hypospadias. Our world crumbled. Had our actions led to divine punishment? Had my casual remark about preferring a boy or a girl but nothing in between offended God? We were at a loss.

This event marked a turning point for me personally. In retrospection, it was a true turning point in the lives of my entire family. It was also at this point I began to think, reason, and question and slowly remove my God glasses. As I explored the possibility of why these things happened, my cognitive biases started to dissolve. And thus began my journey of introspection, curiosity, inquisition and profound doubt.


I’ve been thinking about writing a book for a very long time. My struggled to date is how to get started. To the extend I’m able to visualize an end state, I have many ideas regarding the numerous topics this book would cover, and how I’d like to address each. For the purposes of getting started, I’m going to attempt a very broad outline here, likely for my review only.

What do I mean by the abbreviation, “HGWTGW”? The idea came to me a long time ago and it has developed in me a deeper meaning as time goes by. In some ways, HGWTGW helps me frame what I see going on in my daily life and in the lives of others. HGWTGW stands for “Heads God Wins, Tails, Got Wins”

A year or so ago, someone close to my wife lost her brother almost instantly in a motorcycle accident. I say almost instantly because he was in the hospital with his wife (who was also on the motorcycle when they crashed) for a few days before dying. From the moment the news became available of “Bob’s accident” my wife’s friend was flooding Facebook asking for Prayers for Bob and his wife. I’m telling you, the number and ferocity of prayer warriors that came forward were in the hundreds. As I sat back and observed what had happened and how it was developing, it dawned on me that God was gonna get all the positive credit for whatever happened to Bob and his wife regardless of what the end looked like in this situation.

First and foremost, where was God when Bob and his wife had the accident? How could no one see this? Why are so many people apparently blind to the real situation going on here? Why does this point never even cross their minds? Oh, sure… God gives us free will…. OK, Bob crashed on his motorcycle and got what he deserved. Where are the folks complaining about motorcycles and their inherent risk? No, the prevailing attitude among my wife’s friend circle was to pray to a “Celestial Dictator” to intervene in saving Bob and his wife’s life. What does save Bob look like here? Well from my perspective, there are many ways an individual can look at the situation and get confirmation of God’s blessings in this situation to “Save Bob”. In all situations, God Wins.

Option-1 Bob Lives – In this option, Bob and or Bob’s wife live after the accident and all is good with the world because God saw fit to let them live. The all Loving and Merciful God at work. God Wins. (which in my mind also indicates he was somehow involved in the accident which I won’t discuss here)

Option-2 Bob lives and struggles the rest of his life. Well in this case, God saw fit to save his life so he can be an inspiration to others moving forward.
The all Loving and Merciful God at work. God Wins.

Option-3 Bob dies. In this case, God called Bob home and he’s now happy in heaven with his heavenly father. He’s frolicking with his relatives and it was clearly his time.
Loving and Merciful God at work. God Wins.

As can be seen in the above examples, there is no scenario in the minds of the faithful at which point God loses. He is all powerful, all knowing, and all merciful. How can he possibly be at fault for anything bad that happens here on earth?

Although this is not an exhaustive examination of what went down in the story of Bob, it does lay out my initial thoughts when it comes to how and why living with people of “Faith” is driving me crazy on a daily basis. What may come from this, for me, is a creative and I believe constructive way for people to sincerely examine what’s going on in their lives and view it through a new and hopefully better prism. My goal is not to deconvert folks from their faith as much as assist them in analyzing all the available options so some real thinking can take place. Maybe God should lose once in a while. Maybe when folks realize God plays no part in our day to day lives, they can purge supernatural thinking and add rationality to their daily lives.

Moving foward, I intend to visit this site often to contemplate and document situations I see and hear about in my life, the lives of my family, and in the news. Hopefully someone will be helped by viewing the other side of what I call HGWTGW.